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Much Love

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Much Love   in reply to SisterServant   on

I feel like I am at the end of a very short rope. I am financially, emotionally, mentally,

Thank you, Sister Servant. Those were very kind, intelligent, thoughtful & helpful things you said. For some reason I do better when I'm writing to someone or think I am. Many times I write & get no response, so this is much appreciated. Or times it is other people that getting me going.

With so much going on though, the thing that shuts it down is the pressures of money I need now, feeling too tired or anxious to put it that doesnt take too much time & can later remember what, where & which order. And the pressure of family not getting the time it takes to write, the need to write or needing not to be distracted while I am trying to write, especially when they think I need or should be doing other things to get my bills paid.

Writing is not work to them because It isnt pulling in a paycheck, where as I dont see it as work unless I'm trying to find a paycheck in it. I have of late been trying to figure out my nichè.

Well my head is drumming lile a school band standing in place & the pain relievers are not offering relief as yet, so I bid you a wonderful evening. Thank you for the lovely compliments. I havgotten much confirmation regarding my writing skills & what I could do with them. Happily they are happy directions.
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Much Love   in reply to woman in a shoe   on

I feel like I am at the end of a very short rope. I am financially, emotionally, mentally,

Thank you.
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Much Love   in reply to The Christmas Cat   on

I feel like I am at the end of a very short rope. I am financially, emotionally, mentally,

Wow, amazing. I clicked on one & the amount of info that came up was overwhelming. You ladies are Remarkable. Thank you!
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Much Love   in reply to woman in a shoe   on

I feel like I am at the end of a very short rope. I am financially, emotionally, mentally,

Thank you. I do have a Bible. I also have a brother that is Theologic. He studied many religions & found the Eastern Orthodox Church to be the truest of all religions. This raises many more questions. My questions are mine... I throw them out there like you would pieces of a puzzle. It is natural for people to walk near a puzzle & catch where pieces go & yet if you stand over it all the pieces look the same. I have a writer's brain.... We dissect everything...

Thats how I know there is a God. That many other things. But the purpose of poverty & continuous struggling baffles me. Many things baffle me... And I think I know the answer to it but its not a One person answer. Its a Whole World Order that must take place. And sadly we are Light Years away from that understanding & possibility. So I am either too early or one of the pioneers for the movement to happen at a later date. Its lonely tho...

People think you're Godless or not of a thankful Nature. Not so. Quite the opposite. My questions about God are mine to get to know Him...This is someone I am committing to spend Eternity with, I should know everything there is too know about living with this Person of all PEOPLE. I want to know His likes & dislikes. I want to know His temperament & His moods.

I wanna know how real He is or are is He someone I made up for my own happiness. We do it daily in choosing of mates & friends. Its fair to assume we might do it with Our GOD too.
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Much Love   in reply to SisterServant   on

I feel like I am at the end of a very short rope. I am financially, emotionally, mentally,

Yes Mam, without fail. I thank him daily and all day long. I thank Him, I pray for others believing it is so & only when I can do it belieivng it to be true. I pray for those with ill will against me and those those with less than I have, bringing me back to being grateful while asking to be in a position to help those whom I can help. I am alive, I am upright, I have a sense of humor & most my senses, a roof over my head, beautiful clothes, food in my belly & cupboards, I have a car for as long as I have it, I have a family that loves me, Kids out there that adore & love me, friends that have stood by me.

please forgive, if I sounded ungrateful or that of someone that doesn't appreciate all that God has done for me. I have been struggling Sister Servant for what might be a milisecond to God but feeling like Eternity to me. I miss my children and I don't know if I'll ever be allowed to see them again. Its not looking so good from where I stand... My thyroid keeps dropping & I'm damn grateful & blessed not to be dead or comatose but the numbers are getting scary and hormones are controlled by the thyroid gland and most days I have to force myself to do anything much the same as a young child might scrape a dead animal off the ground and think its going to puff back up and walk off.

Not only am I thankful to God and remember to thank Him but I also make it a point to thank my family for their help & their love, I thank my friends often for sticking by me during these trying times.

but in all my intellect, sinful as it may be, I question God... I question where He came from? I question if He's real or if we need Him to be real? Is He a punishing God or a loving forgiving , no pennance for going against His will kind of God? Everyone seems to have a different opinion on this. If He is a punishing God how long can I expect to be punished when I've done all that I could to repent & apologize and to make right? Is He ever sorry He went with that whole idea of Free Will? Does He ever question His own choices? If I'm not being punished than why am I struggling all the time when I have so much to offer the world to make it a better place? If He made us for suffering and to renounce this world, why are we even here? Is Heaven & Hell right here on Earth or do we have to look forward to Dante's dream of hell? Am I , are we all to worry over the sins we have committed belieiving that we are never fully forgiven? If Jesus died for are sins why is there a Hell?

There are more questions than answers. And if He could answer just ONE CLEAR AS Day with no mincing of meaning or hidden in parables question for me, it would be Why did you give me all this talent and no equally talented people in what they do to get all this greatness out. Its Your greatness, why hide it in depression and financial hardship?

I can't help that I have these questions. I wish to God I didn't. I am tormented by the things I have heard the things I have read, things I have seen and the things I don't know. The things that might be true, the things that aren't but someone thought they were. As Mark Twain said Its not the things you don't know that hurt you, its the things you do that arent so. What's real & whats not? Does anyone know? How can we? When will we? Is what's real & true for you real and true for others? Why are there so many religions if there's only One God & one way to Heaven? What gets you in and what keeps us out?

And when I thank God who am I really thanking? Is He listening? If I ask in Jesus name for what I need and it is to be given then why am I & so may other people on sites like this stressed out and reaching?

I am thankful there are sites like this. Cause I have expressed myself like this on FB at great cost, so I am very grateful to have found this site. But I for one am tired of struggling, I am tired of suffereing from depression. If there is a God and He made me in His image and likeness, does He too suffer from depression & poverty?

For these things are as much a part of me as my talents & gifts. More so I would say since I can't seem to do anything real & substantial with any of the gifts He bestowed upon me cause I'm either depressed, sick, or my money well is drier than deadwood. i would like to not question God or His existance. I would like to believe without fail & I don't even thinnk that its that I don't believe in God as I don;t understand why I'm going to this this again when He knows I'm no good at sublty.
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Much Love   in reply to Poppyday13   on

I feel like I am at the end of a very short rope. I am financially, emotionally, mentally,

yes... about 30 miles from where I'm at
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Much Love  

There is a website called Begslist.com Its a horrible name but its a place to get help.

There is a website called Begslist.com Its a horrible name but its a place to get help. just don't try to do it from your smartphone like I did. And it doesn't tell you how many characters are allowed. Whatever you need help with. try it.
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Much Love   in reply to Poppyday13   on

I feel like I am at the end of a very short rope. I am financially, emotionally, mentally,

Thank you, Poppyday13! Off to make supper.
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Much Love   in reply to Poppyday13   on

I feel like I am at the end of a very short rope. I am financially, emotionally, mentally,

Menifee, California in Riverside County
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Much Love   in reply to Poppyday13   on

I live in the awful town of Menifee, Ca. Its nice to have a friend in the U.K. :)
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Much Love   in reply to Poppyday13   on

I feel like I am at the end of a very short rope. I am financially, emotionally, mentally,

Thank you. many compliments since I was a wee one with the words. I love to write & told I have professional grade writing but when I try that my brain shuts down like an airport under quarantine. If I could stop that from happening I could probably end my financial isssues at least. Thank you for the welcome.
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Much Love   in reply to native pima single mom   on

Yeah I used to be the strong one, the one everyone expected miracles from. Its an adjustment from Superwoman to just a woman. But it takes a lot of strength to accept help. It doesn't ever go down easy but there is courage in it, humbling courage.
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Much Love  

I feel like I am at the end of a very short rope. I am financially, emotionally, mentally,

I feel like I am at the end of a very short rope. I am financially, emotionally, mentally, physically,medically depleted. Everyday gets worse...more bad news, less working in my favor & if one more person tells me to pray or think postitive and it will change, I will lose it. I went for county help today. Yesterday I asked my ex-husband of 25 years for help. Neither could do anything for me. I am sick. I have a thyroid that refuses to work & refuses the medicine. if I'm not allergic to it, it doesn't do anything for me. My numbers are so bad that I was already in ER once and they said they couldn't believe I am not in acoma.

i should be pleased to be a walking talking miracle. But what I feel most the time is stress over my bills, missing the kids that I was raising because although I was a mom for them dad had issues and took them out on me, and I have no legal rights to see them. I know the Kids are devastated & so am I. I have tried to make things right & swallowed my own pride just so I could see them but he won't budge. On top of all that, I have no work, left with paying for these in my name but had to leave in his house cause I wont fight with a drunk. Now, because of my thyroid which turns out to be a far bigger thing that people think of it, I barely have the energy to get dressed & clean up around the house. So job searching or even carrying on a job position is damn near impossible right now til they get this thing figured out. My muscles are like cemet, my skin is looking like desert sand, and I have anxiety like no one's busniess. I cry 10 times day. I beg God for help.

They retested my thyroid and my TSH is 94.290 from 6 weeks prior at 66.7. Its suppose to be at 3.5. The new meds aren't helping. And I'm another 6 weeks from seeing the Specialist. I am trying to apply for SSI and the doc says most definitely not in any shape to be working but that takes 4 -6 months first round. If I have a lawyer I might only need one round. But in the meanthime I'm freaking because my bills without rent or utilities exceeds my current income of $175 in child support rears, that came long after my son turned 18. But it came & I'm grateful and I wish my son's father good health and continuous work. Waiting on his tax returns to come thru Child Support but that could be several months away still. I know all the stress isn't helping my condition and with each thing I try to help myself nothing is working out..and I just wish sometimes God would take me or turn it around. I have asked , begged implored upon the Lord for help and all I can think is he must be really mad at me for leaving those kids.

If He's, not He has a funny way of showing me I did the right thing. So among everything else I also have issues with God. But if I read the Bible & listen to what my brother says God is not going to save me or stop punishing me for questioning Him and that only makes it worse.

Tired tired, sick & tired.
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Much Love   in reply to native pima single mom   on

Pride is a double edge sword...If you ask for help you feel vulnerable and failed. If you don't ask you Are failed & more vulnerable. One is feeling, the other is actually exeriencing. TNAF means you have children. I experience great ideas when my back is to the wall and yet when my hands are tied I can do nothing. Do what you have to do for your kids first.... If you think there is another way than try that too and whatever other good ideas for supporting you & your kids but dont hold off on the sure thing til you exhaust all other things. Do what you can and the first thing takes off is your bacon. The second will fund your ideals and dreams. Think of it like that and your pride wont matter as much, and when you do good Pay It Forward to the agencies that helped you when you needed it.
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Much Love   in reply to Taryth   on

I need money - free money to help pay bills

Breathe in, exhale, repeat. You are in a tuff situation...with a new baby comes many expectations of perfection. Baby doesnt know or care if you are on aid. If you are high risk in your pregnancy all that worrying isnt going to be healthy for the baby inside you or when it comes out. Do you have family you can turn to right now while you are pregnant? If not, call 211 to see if there are homes for young pregnant woman that at least you can go to til you are back on your feet.

There are many reasons why a man cant get or find a job. I dont know what your boyfriend's is. Perhaps he has same high expectations of perfection to do for his new family or he is freaking out & not trying at all, or your area is job thin. Your baby doesnt care if daddy makes $20 an hour or $9. You will make it. But if you dont ask family or call that 211 as well as talk to your bf about what might be keeping him from finding a job, you might lose that baby due to stress. And no matter how difficult things look Sweetie, I know you love that child inside of you more than you ever thought you could love anyone & losing him or her would devastate you. So please take care of yourself. Putting your needs first could mean saving your baby's life.
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Much Love  

Much Love

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